A Recipe For Crazy..

Ok, so I'm not claiming to have found a definitive recipe here. For starters, there are many varieties of crazy, ranging from the homicidal to the Bjork to the whatever-one-of-the-King-Georges-had-to-make-him-talk-to-a-tree. Equally, there are many routes available to each of these types of mental instability. Almost anything can be included, particularly if cocaine, the menopause or scientology are used as a base.

But I can, with some confidence, say that I have found at least one foolproof mixture of factors that will produce an indisputable onslaught of crazy (normally of the frazzled variety, with the potential to edge into either catatonic or hysterical territory).

1. Take one student.

2. Deprive him/her of sleep for at least one week. During this time impose a diet that is either woefully lacking in most major food groups or composed almost entirely of one variety of food (ie, soup). Keep contact with other human beings to a minimum.

3. Fill his/her waking hours with revision. For best results this revision should be lengthy, complex and primarily made up of material he or she has neglected to look at, ever, before this week. If at all possible, make it written in a foreign language.

4. Sprinkle exams liberally throughout said week.

5. Then, on day seven, add one major exam in the afternoon and another for the subsequent morning.

6. Stir in at least five mugs of coffee.

7. Liberally apply cold/flu medication. (FYI, if you spray that thoat anesthetic stuff on blisters on your feet it does not, as you might expect, numb them and make shoes more comfortable. It just stings like a bitch.)

8. Create a playlist which includes the following songs; Mya's 'Case of the Ex', Celine Dion's 'It's all coming back to me now', The Fresh Prince of Belair Theme and anything by Nelly. Play on loop for several hours.

9. Allow to simmer overnight, being sure to allow no more than three hours' sleep.

10. Serve at 6am on day eight.

Et voila!