Just one quick question

What was in that cheese that Nicola gave to Steve on Neighbours? He's, like, nearly dead!

I was going to use a picture of Steve writhing around in mouldy cheese-related agony, but I couldn't find one. And then I found this and decided it is much nicer.

Sigh. I miss Frazer.

Why Lorelai Gilmore Is Not Such An Idiot, by me

I’ve been rewatching some Gilmore Girls lately, and the episodes I’ve happened to watch have made me thinks about one of the show’s OTPs. Not the OTP, I am more than happy with Luke and Lorelai (Lukelai? Loreluke? Whatever). I’m talking about Emily Gilmore’s OTP. Lorelai and Christopher.

Christopher, for the uninitiated, is a character who pops up a lot over the course of the show’s seven-season run. He kind of has to, because he is Lorelai’s high school boyfriend and the father of her child. The other thing that Christopher is, is kind of an asshat. Season 1, he shows up and is an irresponsible tool who hasn’t matured one iota since Lorelai refused to marry him at sixteen. Season two, Chris has ostensibly got it together, and is ready to make a real go of it with Lorelai and Rory as a family. Until he finds out that his other girlfriend, Sherry, is totally pregnant. He then gets abandoned by Sherry, sucks at single parenting without Lorelai’s help, and eventually marries Lorelai before finally screwing that one up as well. For elaboration on why Chris is a total douche, see www.televisionwithoutpity.com. They do snark better than me.

Looking at that track record, it’s easy to call Lorelai an idiot. Why does she keep taking him back? Will she ever learn? (The final answer to that one seems to be yes, praise the Lord). But really, doesn’t everybody have a Christopher lurking somewhere in their past? I know I do. Fortunately, for most of us (myself included) that somebody didn’t knock us up and so will probably not be hanging around screwing with our heads in sixteen years’ time.

But still, think back to that guy. That early, if not first, love who was just… totally useless. Fun, for a while. And you liked him enough to really try and believe it could work. But in the end it just couldn’t, and afterwards, you had to admit that you always knew that breaking point was coming. But even with all the clarity of hindsight there is a nagging doubt, a fear that if he came back and promised that things would be different, that he would no longer be in love with your best friend/sleep with other women/be emotionally retarded or whatever it was, you would fall for it.

That guy is the secret shame that every girl carries with her into womanhood. He is the memory that makes would be feminists squirm in discomfort. And he is ubiquitous. Seriously, I doubt anybody can make it past the age of twenty-five without finding that one guy who made her act like a total idiot, and could quite possibly do it all over again were he of a mind to. It’s terrifying and more than a little embarrassing. It doesn’t even matter how well you know him and his faults. And it’s easy to identify him. He’s the loser you’re still complaining about to your friends when the period of time since the break up is longer that the relationship itself was. If you haven’t seen him in that time, you’re in deep shit.

Still, it seems there is little anybody can do to escape this. So consider him a rite of passage. Be glad that you’ve survived him intact. Some of you will get off more lightly than others (I myself suffered only fair to moderate humiliation and emotional scarring). And beware of him in future. TV is more than just entertainment – it’s an education (that’s what I tell myself as I waste my life, anyway). And if we can learn anything from Gilmore Girls, aside from drink more coffee and buy a lot of scarves, it’s this; never, EVER go back to your Christopher. Even a shared child isn’t enough to make it work.

Fictional Characters I Would Happily Marry

I have many a TV boyfriend. In fact, I'm quite the fiction slut. But not every crush wanders into marriage territory. My Chuck Bass love, for example, is well documented, but even the most ardent admirer has to admit that he's hardly husbad material. There are, however, a few men out there (and yes, I am totally aware that none of them are real, and no, I am not crazy. Honest!) who would make for the perfect happily-ever-after.

1. Capt. Malcolm Reynolds
Firefly's Mal has it all. Noble, loyal and all that jazz, with a pleasingly maccho veneer of badass. Plus, hot. All I need to overcome is his UST with Inara (and the fact that he doesn't exist, obviously) and I'm sure we could have a long and happy life together.
Note: The only reason that Han Solo does not appear on this list (Space smugglers in tight pants? Totally my type) is that even in the realms of daydream it is just wrong to come between him and Leia. I know, I have problems.

2. Fred Weasley
I have had the same argument with my friends for years now. I can tell the difference between the Weasley twins. I can! And Fred was definitely my favourite, which is why I found the seventh HP book so traumatic (and I am not spoiler tagging this, because if you haven't read that book by now you don't really care who died). He was funny, sweet, a wealthy magical joke shop entrepeneur and TOTALLY DIFFERENT from his twin. So there.

3. The Men of How I Met Your Mother
Three for one here. First, there's Ted. Possibly the most charming character ever committed to film: Funny without being snarky, smooth without being slimy and totally looking for a wife to adore. Then you have Marshall. Who is wonderful. Like, the nicest man alive. And clearly not dumb (Lawyer? Hello!). And then...
Barney Stinson. Now, he may seem like an odd choice, given my earlier rejection of fellow douchebag Chuck Bass (and the omission of damaged Doctor Alex Karev for that matter). But I'd like to give Barney a chance. After all, he's just your standard issue shallow man whore, while Chuck is evil. Deliciously so, but still evil. I think Stinson could be redeemed. And Season 4 of HIMYM might just prove me right on this one. Yeah, I'm totally team BroTP.

4. Jimmy the Hand
Those familiar with Raymond Feist will know this character as an intelligent street urchin/pickpocket, a devoted, if headstrong, Royal Squire, and finally a responsible and powerful Duke/Spymaster. It's the second of these three incarnations which I'd marry, and without a second thought.
As with the whole space smugglers thing, it seems thieves with a heart of gold are a type for me - Tamora Pierce's George Cooper also holds a certain attraction.

5. Frazer Yeats.
I love Neighbours. I will always love Neighbours, now matter how many ridiculous cave ins/bush fires/hauntings occur on Ramsey St. That said, I'm not 100% sure that I'll ever forgive then for letting Frazer go. Or for keeping his shirt on all the time while Oliver prances around in a towel at the drop of a hat. It's going to be tough.

6. Sandy Cohen
Yes, dude is old. But that hardly changes the fact that he's perfect. Not even the threat of passing on his spectacular eyebrows to my offspring (and I'm betting that is one seriously dominant gene right there) would deter me from becoming Mrs Cohen. Time was, I'd have gone for the more age appropriate option and said I'd marry Seth Cohen in the hopes of him turning out like Sandy. Of course, that was before Season 2 of The OC happened and Cohen Jr turned into a whiny little bitch. Pity. His dad's still got it though.

7. Will Parry
I am aware of the fact that Philip Pullman's hero is supposed to be, like, thirteen, but anybody who's read His Dark Materials will agree that that's hardly the point. And even though coming between Will and Lyra would be a crime of a par with separating Han and Leia, I figure that once they're trapped in alternate dimensions for all eternity all bets are off.

So, those are my guys of choice. Should any of them become real I would like to be alerted immediately. I was going to push through and find another three to make the list a nice, round number, but I figured I was enough of a fictional bigamist (as well as the slut I was before I started the husband list) to be getting on with. Who've I left out?

I love a douchebag

So today, I didn't get round to a) dressing or b) leaving my appartment. Which I don't feel too bad about because in France EVERYTHING is closed on Sunday. Plus I had a hangover and a vague sense of embarrassment about my behaviour last night to contend with. So what I did instead was watch the entire third season of How I Met Your Mother.

Firstly, that show is awesome. Insert obligatory 'legen - wait for it - dary' reference here. But the main thing I noticed was that I was developing a crush of epic proportions, not on Ted Mosby(the most charming man on tv) or super sweet Marshall, but on total asshat Barney. I am actually upset by the fact that Neil Patrick Harris is gay.

And then I started thinking; this is not an isolated incident. I really love a fictional douchebag. I heart Chuck Bass beyond measure. McSteamy or McDreamy? Give me steamy, any time. And thow in some Karev while you're at it. Logan Echolls will always hold a place in my heart, and was never hotter than when he was pounding the crap out of totally innocent nice boy Piz. I am consistently attracted to whichever fictional character is most likely to treat women with no respect whatsoever.

That, of course, is stupid. The entire bad-boy thing is one of the most self destructive traits a woman can have. But it is so undeniably there! Today I watched impassively as Ted put his all into wildly romantic gestures, then watched Barney recount jut some of the thousands of ways he has screwed girls over and thought 'Damn. I'd tap that'. So just what is it that makes a bad boy so irrestistable?

The popular theory is, of course, that women see the total tool as a challenge. That there would be a victory in being the one person who could tame him, that just isn't equalled by the triumph of managing to snag a guy who's already wonderful. I think there is something in that, but for me, the main attraction is that any act of kindness, no matter how small, is worth so much more coming from a bad guy.

Think about it. If we'd learned that trustworthy Ted had flown to San Fran to convince Lily to come back to Marshall it would have been no big deal. Sweet, but that's Ted for you. The same act from commitment phobe Barney? Mind blowing. And hot. Ted was in love with Robin by the end of the first episode. So what? Three years on Barney decides he might have feelings for her weeks after they've slept together? The most romantic thing I've ever heard!

The same applies to all of the other characters I mentioned. Chuck Bass secretly selling his shares in his beloved burlesque club to help his best friend out? Awesome. And that brings me to another point - he didn't want the friend to know that he'd done it. With that, ladies and gentlemen, I am sold. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, hotter than a guy who is secretly nice. A guy who will go to great lengths to conceal his humanity and maintain the carefully propogated myth that he is a complete douchetard. I love it.

And it's not just are their kindnesses worth more than those of guys who wear their niceness with pride - George O'Malley can be as lovely as he likes but Alex Karev saving a baby while talking sports will always leave him for dust. It is a simple fact that bad guys are just more interesting. Nobody who's read Sense and Sensibility can seriously prefer the integrity of the Colonel to the dashing, if caddish, charms of Willoughby. I'm just saying, a lady likes a hint of danger to spice things up.

But I think there is at least one point of genuine merit for the bad boy contingent - at least you know what to expect. You can dream of being the one woman who will make him see the error of his ways, but you go to bed with a Barney and he never calls? You should have known what you were getting into. The douchey traits of a Ted or a McDreamy (and they will have some, trust me) are far more difficult to predict and often more devastating on revelation. Plus, with a Barney you will never lose the moral high ground, and who doesn't love to be right?

So for me, it's case closed. Despite a lingering suspicion that the secret softer side is only obligatory to bad boys in the fictional world, and that for the most part people who appear to be asshats are just that, I just... love a douchebag. At least it's never dull.